i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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