I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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