I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
