If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
