There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
