i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
