did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
