I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
