he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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