My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
