Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
