I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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