My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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