I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
