he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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