nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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