We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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