Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
