My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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