i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
