my sisters under your porch take her home
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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