Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
