I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
