you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
