There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
