just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
