Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
