I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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