Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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