Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
