I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
