If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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