Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
