dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
