you guys were way drunker than both of me
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Another day, another engagement, another cat
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
