sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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