and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
