Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
