Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just had sex on a roof
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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