Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
