All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
And then he peed in my hair
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