You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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