I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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