Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My boob is missing a layer of skin
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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