i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
