Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
