I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
