I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
