We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
