Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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