mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
